Haiz.

No, I am not going crazy. Just couldn’t think of a heading for my previous post. Heehee.

“We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine, The Writings of Madame Swetchine

I’ve been having a heavy heart this couple of days, and well, dun really feel I have anyone to turn to. Now I can truly understand what that saying really means. After being the strength for the people around me, I somehow dun feel that I can really turn to them with my problems, problems which are similar to the ones that I have been advising them on. How ironic can that be?

It seems so different when it’s actually happening to you, knowing that taking your own advice probably would help, but wanting it to come out of the mouth of someone else. Perhaps what I really need is a listening ear. Hearing you own voice debate with itself in my head doesn’t cut it. And the funny thing is that I don’t really feel the need for a listening ear till it is late into the night. When the world falls silent, then and only then it would finally set in.

I have been digging and pondering why this keeps happening to me, and even some of the friends that I used to tell have also noticed this trend. And when I step back and take a look at the past gals that I have gone after, save for the odd 1 or 2 that didn’t work out, it seems glaringly obvious. I have a distinct instinct if you might say, to go for someone who is not available, emotionally or otherwise, regardless of whether I know it or not.

Either they are already in that state or go into that state soon after I come into the picture, like the angel of death or grim reaper coming to the dead and dying. When people are in that state, they seem to somehow become attracted to me and me to them. It’s like living in some sort of vicious cycle that I can’t seem to get out of. And sometimes I wonder, whether I’m the cause of such things, or is my choice of potential partners really that bad/unlucky, or am I just doomed to come in at that sort of bad timing? Am I supposed to help fix the damage some other person has caused, only to have that person go off to someone else? Is there no God?

Somehow along the way, I also have seemed to grow numb to the fact that this is happening…a sort of resignation or acceptance, if it may be put in that way. But it still hurts all the same when it occurs. Perhaps I should be happy for them, for they found someone that suits them, maybe even better than I could have. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the one feeling left behind, and standing there alone. Sometimes I don’t want to let her slip away for me, but at the same time, it also pains me to be the thorn in her happiness, which is at the expense of mine nonetheless.

I’m also not sure about the ethics in it all. Yes, if I had a partner, I wouldn’t want anyone to be on the side trying to drive something between us. And I’ve always believed that do not unto others, what you do not want others to do unto you. But somehow, that would most of the time leave me falling short. On the other hand, if I do go ahead and be that thorn, can I, if I actually win over her heart, live with myself knowing what I had to do to get her? Perhaps I might grow horns then, telling myself that the best man wins, just so to sleep better at night.

That being said, I am compelled to ask myself sometimes, does the saying the nice guys finish last been such a glaring truth that I have been turning a blind eye to all this while? If that is the case, then what has humanity become? If being civil and thoughtful doesn’t cut it anymore, then I think it’s about time I stopped being the one who is different and gets left behind.

But alas! I am still the sucker for romantic endings, and the hope that one day, by some luck or chance, I will find my other half, and be not even need to be looking. Maybe I’m like the dodo, doomed to be extinct by no fault of my own but stubbornness and reluctance to react quickly to change around me. Maybe for the sake of self-preservation and sanity, I should be the go getter that lets nothing stand in his way. Maybe.

But after reading all this, about a handful, if any, would actually know what happened. Haiz. Love. Does it have to be so complicated? ARGH!!!